these cosmic fish they love to kiss

those of you that have been reading me

2009-09-26T01:10:16Z

question: is the writing i've been doing good enough to get me into a masters school?

also: any requests?

i really am sorry.

2009-06-01T16:29:50Z

okay. i know that i'm not as bad as some people. there are people who, say, for example, let the kids they are teaching how to swim drown in the deep end while they are twirling in the shallow end. there are people who, say, for example, kill their dog after two weeks and then go right back out and adopt another one from a DIFFERENT county. i am not as bad nor as stupid as these people.

what i am is a) too trusting and b) too afraid of my own life.

a) when i trust you as a friend i tell you everything. well, everything about other people. i don't trust anyone with my personal shit. not really. i'm pretty sure if you knew any of my personal shit you'd run screaming in the other direction. this is because i am bat-shit motherfucking insane. no seriously. so, other than maybe eric and my parents like no one gets to see that side of me. and even they are only toeing the edge of a very deep and very wide lake of insanity.

but what it comes down to is, i trust you with the secrets i know even if they aren't my secrets. i expect that if i tell you that a certain someone definitely snorted three lines of coke last wednesday that you won't spread that shit around.

b) i am too afraid of the how mundane my own life is to think for even a minute of telling a personal story. i mean, i'll relate to you the funny shit that happened that one day when i drank 6 diet cokes and couldn't find a bathroom . . . but that's about as far as it'll go.

the thing is, i'm trusting the wrong people and i'm trusting too many people. it's going to be motherfucking hard but i have got to reign my shit in. no kidding people.

someone told me the other day that i gossip more than anyone she's ever met and that i can't possibly expect her to pretend she doesn't know the things i've told her. the thing is? i TOTALLY do. i mean, i really, totally do. and that is absolutely my fault.

now, i'm drowning in guilt because it's true. i gossip. jesus. i hear something interesting and i HAVE to repeat it. and that is what my friends are for. i repeat it to you and it gets sealed up in a friendship seal of silence. or so i thought. but, i get it. i'm obsessive and you're sick of hearing my gossip and the seal of silence doesn't actually exist.

i'm going to return to my pit of self-pity now and i'm going to make a promise i am sure to break: i will not repeat the story you told me when we were both drunk off so-co and diet coke. i will not repeat the story you told me when we were both drunk off so-co and diet coke and finally, i will not repeat the story you told me when we were both drunk off so-co and diet coke.

lo siento.

Torn From the Map, 3/?

2009-02-12T22:34:02Z

Torn From the Map, 3/? [NC17 overall] Dean/Sam, Dean/Ofc, xover Jericho

Title: Torn From the Map
Part: 2/?
Rating: R
Summary: Sam and Dean stop Lilith but the world ends anyways. Sam is facing a far more terrifying future, one in which Lucifer is not needed to create hell on earth. By his side, a quirky angel, a cranky sister-in-law and the town of Jericho, Kansas. Also, keep in mind that nothing is every final.
Pairing: Dean/OFC (so far), Dean/Sam, features Dean, Sam, OFC, all characters of Jericho
AN Supernatural XOver with Jericho
AN: I have created a post for notes and explanations as I go on. Mostly this is overly cautious, my hope being that the writing, if read, speaks for itself. Click Here: Torn From the Map: A Guide
Challenge: The challenge I was given Create a seamless cross-over between Supernatural and another T.V. show of choice while also adding a female character who fits the story line of both shows as they exist. Only minor canon tweaking is allowed.

Previous Chapters: Master Post

Present Day: Cheyenne, WY

Dean knocks on the motel office door without much hope. This is the last place he saw his brother, his wife. He knows they wouldn't have stayed. He's been dead nearly three weeks.

But he has seen the mushroom clouds and he is already out of ideas.

He has an entire war-torn country to search through, and not a single clue.

Please, he thinks, Please don’t have gone back to Boston. Please, be okay.

In Kansas, his brother is praying a similar prayer.

Present Day: Richmond Farm, Jericho, Kansas

Sam has never been so glad to leave any town behind him.

After refusing to drive the last hour to Jericho without gathering his wits first, he had to give a motel clerk off I70 two hundred bucks just for the night

The end of the world is exhausting and they had passed out within minutes. Ashley curled tight around a pillow and Sam stiff in a chair by the window.

He’d woken to rain and thought fallout and then Jesus, this can’t be happening. He’d braved the rain for a run to the car. Grabbed what he could from the trunk and thrown a tarp over the whole thing. Back in the motel room Ashley was awake and, together, they’d taped up the lone window and door.

Sam wasn’t sure they were close enough to suffer radiation but he wasn’t risking it, they waited a full two hours after the last rain faded away to get driving again. He wanted the storm past Jericho, well east of them before he put himself on the road, no provisions.

And now, they’re here, at the edge of the Richmond farm, Ashley banging frantically on doors and windows. Sam watches her and hopes she hasn’t seen the dried blood in the grass. The signs of a struggle evident everywhere, or the bullet marks in the porch posts.

He prays to whatever God might be listening, Please, please, let this guy be okay, let him be in town. Please, let that blood not be his. Ashley is Sam’s only connection to the brother he’s lost. If she loses it now, there's no hope for either of them.

“Stan!” The sharp trill in her voice is panic.

“Ash, Ashley let’s get to town. We’ll go to town, okay?” Sam jogs to where she’s kicking at the locked cellar door. He takes her arms and turns her. “Babe?”

“His sister, have you seen her?”

“No, she would have heard-”

“She’s deaf. His sister, Bonnie, she’s deaf.” Ashley’s eyes are wide and wild.

“They went to town when the rain stopped, okay? I’m sure of it. We’ll go see your mayor.”

“They wouldn’t leave the farm.”

“They aren’t here, Ash.” And Sam prays he isn’t lying.

Present Day: Main Street, Jericho, Kansas

Sam has no idea what Stanley Richmond or his sister Bonnie look like, but he scans the small street anyways. Ashley found a familiar face inside Gracie’s Market and she looks less frantic, she is settling into her home town.

Sam is still praying, though it has lost it’s fervour and is now a simple steady ache at the back of his mind.

“The clinic.” Ashley orders when she exits.

“She surprised to see you?” Sam gestures to an older lady in the store window.

“Gracie? No, nothing surprises her.”

The clinic is a mess of panicked people and it takes them 30 minutes to find the room Stanley’s been stashed in. Ashley’s a better liar than Sam gave her credit for, telling a handful of nurses she’s some doctor’s cousin, here to help.

“Thank God.” She breathes out when they finally stumble on the children’s ward.

Stanley looks ridiculous, wrapped in an old quilt among bright toys and silly posters. “Ashley freakin’ Evans.” He stands quickly, a bit wobbily and pulls her into a hug.

“I told you I was coming-”

“When you got cut off-”

“I hung up on you, sorry about that.” She grins up at him from the circle of his arms.

His bright blue eyes reflect the relief Sam sees in her hazel ones.

“This is Sam, my brother-in-law.”

“Sam. Nice to- Wait.” Stan stops mid handshake. “You’re what?”

Birds Fly Backwards: The Revision 6/?

2009-02-12T20:52:16Z

Birds Fly Backwards: The Revision
I am reposting this to the communities starting now because it is a new story. Same fun characters, entirely new plot.
Author: Buiochas_le_dia
Title: Birds Fly Backwards (6/?)
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: R this chapter
Summary Dean faces down a choice and it’s like playing Russian roulette. . .
disclaimer: don’t own jack ‘cept the kids.
Feedback: is money.

Previous chapters: Master Post

Dean goes over it again and again and again.

He’d buried the colt in the entry way, salted everything, prayed and canted, and had three separate witches perform the same rituals.

In the end he’d had Bobby and Ellen and every hunter they trusted check it over and over again.

With Sam sleeping fitfully beside him he asks the ceiling How? How? How?

For him it’s a matter of his daughter's safety, and he worries that maybe he isn’t the father he thought he could be.

They leave because Jo makes the mistake of planting a seed that Dean refuses to let grow; fester.

“Dean. . . you have to think that maybe someone-- something let that demon in.”

“No one’s been inside the house. Johnny’s new in town, he doesn’t have playdates, and our babysitter drinks holy water the first second she enters the door.”

Jo smiles briefly at that, imagining Dean greeting some 20 year old and forcing a glass of water on her, charming her all the while. “Yeah but. . . why do you think he came back now? Johnny isn’t blood, so it’s probably Nina he’s after right? So why not when she was six months old? Or any time in the last year.”

“I don’t know.” Dean pauses mid beer swig, watching the sun set over the plains, “Jo, what are you getting at?”

“Sam comes back, the demon comes back, and--”

”Jo.” His voice is all warning and no warmth, he’s gripping the bottle so tight his knuckles are white.

“I know, Dean, how that must have been, Sam was back, you wouldn’t have thought, couldn’t have thought that, you would have just let him in--”

“I said Christo, I made him drink holy water--”

“When, Dean? Outside, by your car, or after he sat down in the house, told you his story--”

“He wasn’t possessed--”

“It’s not his fault, I’m not saying that--”

Already Dean is walking; half running back to the house.

“Dean, please. I’ve been going over it-- They wouldn’t have just let him go, there’s any number of ways they could have possessed him, he might not even have known, never known-- all he had to do was break a salt line, smudge a rune--”

The screen door slams behind Dean. Through the windows she can see him packing, hear him telling Sam that they should go. Sam protesting.

“I just got an itch, and wanted to get out.”

“Where are we going?”

“Missouri’s.” Sam just nods and if he tenses up a little Dean doesn’t notice.

Sam plays ISpy with Johhny for hours until the kid falls back asleep and he spends the next hour playing peek-a-boo with Nina to calm her down. Who, though, he wonders, will calm his nerves? Shot to hell with every mile that passes between them and the Harvelles. Dean's mouth is a grim line though every now and then he shoots a smile back at Nina.

There is no music playing.

A mile out from Missouri's Sam starts trying to come up with reasons not to stop. "We didn't really say goodbye, me and Johnny, I just had to find you."

Dean nods slowly. "Sam, we'll find a place soon, but for now, she's the only one I trust."

"We could look up people in dad's journal . . . or call any one of the numbers Ellen gave us--"

"Sam. We're stopping."

A storm is building on the horizon, black clouds that arch up and spread, rumbling, threatening. The electricity in the air makes Sam jumpy.

They are at Missouri’s for exactly one hour before all hell breaks loose.

“Sam, is she telling the truth?”

“Dean.”

“Answer me!”

“Yes, but--”

“Get out.” Dean’s voice is low and cold and terrifying. Nina is crying and Johnny is struggling in Dean’s arms.

“Dean.”

“Don’t, Sam. Just leave.”

“Dean! I didn’t have a choice. Okay? Yes, I knew what I had done, and yes, I had time to fix the salt line and replace the rune--”

“You could have just told me. That’s all, just said, Dean, I was possessed--”

“They said they’d kill Johnny--”

“So you put Nina’s life on the line instead? Thought, hell, I’ll just risk Dean’s kid for my own. It doesn’t work like that Sam.”

“They said if I told anyone--”

“You warned Johnny--”

“I just told him to come straight to me if he ever saw anything--”

“We could have moved, or kept Nina’s crib in our room--”

“I didn’t have a choice!”

“She could have died, you absolute bastard.”

“Dean. . . you would have done the same, to save Nina, you would have done anything--”

“Not that Sam, never that. I never would have put you or your child at risk.”

“She’s fine, you see? You hear her crying? She’s fine.”

“Our house burned down, he was there, within reaching distance of my-- of my baby. My little girl. No. You have to leave, and soon, before I hurt you, do something I’ll regret.”

“Fine, Johnny, get your--”

“No.”

“What?”

“I said no. Johnny stays here, with me, with Missouri.”

“He’s my kid, Dean, this isn’t an argument.”

“You try, you just try and take him and I will hurt you. You understand? You’re willing to let demons into my house, into the room where your kid sleeps? That’s fine, but he’s my kid now, too, and I won’t stand for it.”

“Dean--”

“You want to go to court? Just try and prove Johnny’s your kid or mine. Got a DNA test?”

“Dean, he can hear you.”

“Then shut the fuck up and get out.”

“I’m your brother.”

“You don’t think this is killing me? Look at the choice you’re making me make. Get out.”

Rewind.

Missouri has moved since the last time Dean’s seen her. He’s not surprised; people like her are always targets. Her cabin is set in the woods of Douglas County, Kansas, back from any road, out of the way and well hidden. She’s waiting for them on the porch and Dean has to physically drag Sam from the car.

“Missouri.” Dean says by way of hello.

“Dean Winchester, can’t say I’m surprised, but didn’t expect to see you on my doorstep so soon.”

“Desperate times. . . “ He offers up a weak smile but she ignores it and focuses on Nina instead.

“What pure soul do we have here? This must be the baby, what’s your name beautiful?”

“Nin--”

“Dean, you underestimate your daughter. She knows her own name. Katarina it’s nice to meet you, baby.” She lifts Nina from her car seat and rocks her lightly counting, maybe blessing, her toes and fingers. “Well come inside. Johnny, I see you hiding back there, come on, I have some cookies set out.”

Johnny inches around from behind Dean’s leg and with a little nudge bounds up the steps and into the cabin.

“Dean you go on with your daughter, I have a word or two to say to this one.” She points at Sam.

Dean doesn’t hear all of the conversation but he gets the gist of it from the snatches he does hear.

“Leaving was a fool’s idea. . .”

“Had to see him. . .”

“What devil did you bring with you?. . .”

Dean strains but they move further from the door and he loses the rest. He busies himself with pouring milk and changing Nina’s diaper. “Smelly girl.” He whispers fondly biting one of her toes.

Not 20 minutes later, rocking on her back porch Missouri eyes Dean and hums a strange tune until he’s frustrated enough to bark out a

“What?”, immediately regretting his tone.

“The kids can stay here, and you can, if you must, but Sam’s got to find somewhere else. There’s motels near by.”

“What? No. We’re sticking together.”

“Those kids shouldn’t be around no Sam Winchester, no sir, not right now.”

“Hey, watch it, he’s their dad too, okay? He doesn’t just get dropped like a bad habit.”

“Good words, Dean Winchester, like your father, knowing the answer before you know it. He is a bad habit. And he must be dropped.”

“He’s my brother.”

“No, sir. Not that one. Somewhere in there--”

“You saying he’s possessed?”

“By hisself, they weaseled in, and they haven’t weaseled out yet.”

“No. Sam’s strong, he’s Sam, Sammy. He’s--”

“He’s a salt line breaking rune smudger is what he is--”

“Listen.” Dean stands shoving his chair back, hard, against he wall, making the porch shake with his anger. “You stop talking about--”

“About what I don’t know? He let bad things follow him out, bad things I didn’t even notice till it was too late--”

“Why’d you let him keep Johnny then?”

“I didn’t, came back and stole the boy in the night, he’s a hunter, knows how to sneak about--”

“No. No. If there’s one thing I’ve known my whole life it’s this: Sam Winchester is good”

“Yes, yes he is. But the things inside him, the parts of him on the surface now, not good at all. You spend enough time in hell all the good parts get boxed up, unless you have the key, no telling if they’ll ever get out--”

“I’ve seen him, I’ve been with him, he’s fine”

“Demon’s LIE!” Missouri stands up now too, her voice trembling and frightening in the twilight. “That-- that thing in there is enough Sam to be convincing, and the Sam part, he sometimes don’t know what the demon part is up to, but there ain’t no easy way to separate the two. Now you listen to Me, Dean Winchester. Your brother is a good, kind man, but he put too much faith in plain ol’ good, and he didn’t protect himself, and now he’s got himself in deep, and nothing human’s gonna get him out. That thing in there is 2 parts Sam, one part demon, you following?”

Dean nods slowly.

“But the one part Demon is stronger and smarter and more conniving. And the Sam parts, they know it’s there, but they can’t fight it, and they don’t always know what the demon part is doing. You got to get Sam away from those pure souls, away from you, until you, or something, figures out how to get the Sam parts away from the demon--”

“An exorcism?”

“He ain’t possessed, you listening? He just is. We all got a little Demon in us, and when he was in hell, that yellow eyed things pet, they grew the demon till it was strong and smart, and you understanding now?”

Dean’s face is pale, ghost like, floating above his black t-shirt, he throws himself against the porch rail and heaves until nothings left. When he crumples again his face is tear streaked and he is shaking.

Missouri shakes her head slowly. “No, no Dean, you can’t have it both ways. You gotta take those kids and run. Figure it out when they’s safe. They’re your soul, now, once you have a kid, you give them your soul until they’re old enough to take care of their own, so you got to save them and save yourself.”

“The toloc, is that what it was?”

“I don’t know what was in your kids bedrooms, only that Sam let it in.”

Dean convinces Sam that they should stay at a motel, let the kids have Missouri’s guest bedroom. It’s the first time Dean can remember really lying to Sam, telling him it’s too cramped when really he’s planning on making him find his own way to the motel, make him leave and maybe for good.

Dean goes in to speak to Missouri one last time while Sam waits in the car. At the last moment Dean agreed to let the kids come see the motel, maybe swim in the pool for a bit, and so Johnny and Nina are sitting in Sam’s lap laughing. Dean’s heart breaks with every second he watches the three of them so he turns his back on the window and stares Missouri down.

“Tell me flat out, in simple sentences for I am a simple man, did Sam break a salt line?”

“He also ruined a rune, far as I could feel.”

“Did Sam, did the Sammy part of him know--”

“Yes.”

“Did he have time to warn me? Get Nina out.”

“He did it the first day, I think, first or second day.”

“I made him drink holy water and--”

“He’s not possessed--”

“The good Sam never would have--”

“There are things we have yet to understand, Dean, and things we never will. . . listen, I sent a couple of hunters up to watch you guys for a few days right after Sam disappeared. He had black eyes before he approached you at the Impala--”

‘”Why didn’t they say anything?”

“I had to know-- Dean, I had to know what he was planning, I-- I can’t explain it now. He wasn’t in the control in the beginning, that first day, but he knew. . . I could feel him bargaining with the demon-- there’s a lot we don’t know.” Missouri sighs and pats Dean’s arm. “Take them, okay? Take them and you and me and Bobby and everyone? We’ll figure it out. We’ll get your Sam back, we’ll do our best.”

Dean nods but doesn’t look convinced, he scrubs at his face tiredly before turning back towards his car. Nina is dancing to Blue Oyster Cult, her legs pumping enthusiastically against Sam’s chest, Johnny is drawing a picture of their Michigan house, every few seconds Sam praises it’s likeness. “Who is Johnny?”

“I think, do you want to know what I think?”

“Yes.”

Missouri continues, “I think he is heaven’s way of telling Sam they’re sorry, and maybe trying to save Sam’s soul, give him another reason to fight his demons. They’re rooting for you guys, Dean, they really are.”

“Yeah? Well tell them they’re doing a pretty fucking shitty job.”

Master Posts: BFB Revision, Torn From the Map

2009-02-12T19:54:54Z

Birds Fly Backwards: The Revision

Chapter 1: gonna waste some time with you and let this world go

Chapter 2: I said Brother, you know you know\ Its a long road we`ve been walking on

Chapter 3: dust cloud coming off an old dirt road

Chapters 4 and 5: no you don`t need strength to be strong

Chapter 6: if i claim to be a wise man it sure means that i don`t know

Torn From The Map

The Guide: Can you follow me?

Chapter 1: It has been seven hours and fifteen days. . .

Chapter 2: Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

Chapter 3: Ad astra per aspera

Birds Fly Backwards: The Revision 4/? and 5/?

2009-02-12T19:32:46Z

BIRDS FLY BACKWARDS REDUX Yeah, that’s right. BFB, edited from the beginning and continued.

Birds Fly Backwards: The Revision
I am reposting this to the communities starting now because it is, after this chapter, a new story. Same fun characters, entirely new plot.
Author: Buiochas_le_dia
Title: Birds Fly Backwards (4/?) and (5/?)
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: R this chapter
Summary What Johnny sees in the closet changes everything . . .
disclaimer: don’t own jack ‘cept the kids.
author’s note: i told myself I wouldn’t do this, but a good, if new, friend of mine, dared me. And if you’re irish you’re irish unless you’re texan and either way you can’t renick on a dare.
Feedback: is money.

Other chapters: Master Post

What Sam sees is a man in tatters.

What Sam sees is his brother breaking down.

Dean is on his knees, on the lawn, his baby girl is clutched, crying, in his arms, Johnny is clinging to his leg.

Sam stands inches away.

Together they watch their house, their home burn. Sam can’t hear but he thinks Dean is whispering Not again, not again.

The fire chief asks routine questions, but its clear this isn’t arson. He says again and again, lucky you got her out, pointing to Nina, you know it started in her room. He shakes his head and Sam nods, beneath all this, Dean’s tear streaked face keeps catching Sam’s eye. He wants nothing more than to go to his brother, curl him close and never, ever let go.

“Your alarm never went off?”

“No. My, our, son woke us up.”

“Good kid.”

“Yeah.”

From a neighbor Sam is able to borrow a crib to set up in the motel room. Too late, now, to do much of anything about anything. When he gets Johnny settled down in the bed farthest from the window, and has soothed Nina’s sobs; has salted and re-salted and drawn protection runes and muttered prayers and incantations, when he’s done all this he moves to lay next to Dean and is unable to stop the shudder that runs through him.

Dean is curled on his side, facing away from the kids, eyes ever on the door. In this light there’s no way to tell if he’s breathing, save for a hitching gasp now and again. His eyes don’t blink.

“Dean?”

“I killed him.” The whisper rolls like gravel and sounds nothing like the brother Sam knew.

It sounds like defeat.

“We’ll figure it out.”

“I killed him, and I put all those things back to where they belonged, I saw Dad crawl out of hell and I buried you. I was done. I was supposed to be done. This was supposed to be done.”

“They’re okay.”

“No. Sam, don’t you see? This is how it started for us. Johnny and Nina, they don’t deserve to grow up terrified, terrified of every shadow that flickers strange, I can’t have them staying up at night waiting for us, thinking, with every minute they don’t hear the Impala’s engine that we’re never coming home.”

“Dean, you and me, we’ve still got each other. Okay? You and me.”

“I don’t have any energy left. I gave that battle everything in me. I just got you back, Sam. Do I get no peace?”

Sam rubs his thumb along the skin behind Dean’s ear. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, to no one in particular.

Sam jolts awake, sunlight in his eyes, shoulders stiff from tension held too close, too long. “Dean?”

“Here.” Dean is up, Nina bouncing on his knee, last nights fear and exhaustion all but gone from his face, held still in the wrinkles bordering his eyes. Johnny sits next to him at the rickety table slurping down corn flakes with chocolate milk.

“That’s bad for you.” Sam mutters ruffling his kids hair, shaking his head, smiling.

“Dad said.”

“Yeah, yeah. Dean?”

Dean laughs and throws his hands up. “Innocent.”

“We should. . . we should call Ellen, and Bobby, and whoever else we can think of.” Sam says finally, scooping Johnny up and stealing his chair.

“Later. We should go by the house, see if we can salvage anything. Pictures, clothes maybe.”

“Yeah. Oh. Yeah.” Sam nods, angry with himself for forgetting, but not used to having anything to go back for when all hell breaks loose. “We should.”

“Koch?”

“Yeah, Johnny?”

“Did I make the fire?”

“No.” Sam startles himself with the harshness of his voice.

“No, baby, you didn’t.” Dean adds softer and pads his fingers along Johnny’s cheek.

“The man. . . the yellow-eyed man. He said, he said if I told you he would burn everything. But, I didn’t want him to hurt Nina.” Johnny hangs his head a little and Dean stands to put Nina in her crib, coming back and pulling Johnny into his arms. Sam is struck by how much of Dean there is in Johnny, and after such a short time.

“You did the right thing. You’re a good boy, Johnny, a real good boy.” Dean hugs Johnny as tight as he can and whispers over and over into his ear: “The right thing.”

“Ellen? Sam Winchester here.”

“Sam? Well, Jesus. How are you?”

“I’m-- I’m okay, considering.” Sam smiles to ease the words.

“When Dean called to say, I had to talk to Missouri myself, couldn’t half believe it. I hear you’ve got your self a little one too? When do I meet the hell raiser?”

“Sooner then you’d think.”

“Sam? What’s wrong?”

Sam swallows a ball of tears, Ellen’s motherly instinct something he grew up without, something he can’t help missing even as he hears it over the phone.

“We think -- uh. Well, our house burned down.”

“The demon?” Ellen sounds both furious and in awe.

“Johnny, that’s my boy, he says he saw a ‘yellow-eyed man’ in the closet. And the thing is, Ellen, I haven’t told him about all that yet. So. Unless he’s been reading our minds, there’s no way he’d know--”

“So you’re saying it’s not a nightmare.”

“Right.”

“We’re in Wyoming now, me an’ Jo an’ Bobby. Come on by.”

“Okay, let me get a pen for your address.”

Author: Buiochas_le_dia
Title: Birds Fly Backwards (5/?)
AN: Plot changes ahoy!! The old BFB has been retired and the revision has begun full-force

Ellen is nothing if not a soldier. She is adept in the language of putting a family back together. But, when the Winchesters hobble in her eyes don’t know where to rest first.

Sam, Sam after all these years, or Nina still growing and looking more like her dad, defiant stare and all.

Johnny, maybe, who looks like neither of the boys and like both of them, too. Hair and eyes different, but the way he holds his shoulders all Sam and the way he juts his chin all Dean.

Or Dean, so obviously a father now, but still Dean, only more broken, tired, softer.

“You must be Johnny.” Jo breaks the silence first, bending so that she’s eye level with the three year old before her. “You, my friend, remind me a lot of your dads.” She is rewarded with a small, if exhausted smile. “Do you want to see the bedroom I set up for you and your sister?”

“Are there any mean men there?” The sound is sucked from the room again and Jo teeters a bit on her feet.

“No, little man, not here. ‘Sides, I’m right next door, we’ll watch each others’ back.” Jo sticks out a hand for Johnny to grab and he nods satisfied, if only for the moment.

Sam slips Nina and her carrier from Dean’s arm. “I’ve got her.” He whispers when Dean starts at the loss. “S’ok.” Sam follows Jo to the bedroom and is happy to see it’s nestled safely between hers and his and Dean’s and across the hall from Bobby’s and near enough to Ellen’s.

After all these years Jo isn’t sure what to say to Sam. “We rearranged a bit. Thought circling them would be good.”

When he agrees she seems relieved.

Dean slumps against the bar counter, can almost picture Ash rolling off of it, smiling and complimenting Dean’s taste in music. He shakes the dusty memory off and rolls out a crick in his neck. “Can’t keep running, Ellen.” He bats his beer between his hands and shakes his head. “Not fair to them.”

“Honey, life ain’t fair to no one.”

“I’ve got a chance though, to make it right by those two. To make sure they see life as safe and forgiving--”

“Dean, you’re talking about lying--”

“No!” He stands up and paces away from the stools, fists clenched. “It’s true to some people, somewhere. There-- it can be like that.”

“No, not for a Winchester. The best you can do is love them up and not die and show them that family, that us, we’re important. They’ll pick through life, they’ll make it--”

“Just getting by isn’t good enough. Just surviving isn’t good enough. I’m not watching what happened to Sam, happen again. It killed me well enough the first time. “

Sam props his foot up on the porch railing and pushes the bench back and forth, the light swaying calming his nerves, quieting his drumming fingers.

“Sam?” Bobby’s voice, when he steps outside, is reverently quiet, like he’s talking to a ghost, or a mirage.

“Yeah? Hey.”

Bobby sits and for awhile the rain that started just after they arrived fills the quiet between their breaths, the creaking of the porch.

“How’s Dean?” When Bobby speaks again, Sam is expecting it.

“Bad, I think. I’ve only been back five months, and I’m back which is its own thing, and all of a sudden he has a daughter and a son. . .” Sam lets his words trail off with the next gust of wind.

“He’s tough.” The weather shakes the trees and minutes past. “Do you think it was really the demon?”

“What else?”

“Well they say that demons can project themselves into certain points in a persons life. . . in the future. . . so even if they die they can haunt the person. Like an. . . image. They call them talocs.”

“Can talocs set houses on fire?”

“Not that I know of, but I don’t know much about it. It’s rare, unheard of really, but when Ellen told me. . . the colt killed the Demon, I don’t see how he could be back.”

Sam sighs and studies his hands. “Well, we’re going to have to figure something out. Can talocs be projected through salt lines? Protection runes?”

“I don’t know. I wouldn’t think so.”

“That house was like Fort Knox, Bobby. We’re talking about Dean and his family right? So, how did anything get in?”

“Maybe something was already there.”

Jo leads Johnny and Dean with Nina to the community pool. The heat this time of day, this time of July, is stifling and is making everyone cranky.

Dean hums to quiet Nina and Jo spins a tale about a bunny and deer for Johnny who trots next to her grinning.

“The pool is just up here. Can he swim?”

“Not that I know, we were going to start him with lessons but--”

“I used to be on a swim team, you know.” She nods at Johnny, “We’ll get you swimming in no time.”

The water is warm in the sun, but cooler then the air, and a relief. Dean settles against a step in the shallow end, easing Nina in and out of the water, she quickly learns how to splash and shrieks every time she gets him wet.

Jo spends the afternoon teaching Johnny to float, on his back, on his tummy, and how to blow bubbles. Dean wishes that Sam were here to see this, and promises himself that tomorrow, Sam will come and he will force himself to stay home and do the research.

They are barely dry from the pool when Ellen hands Dean a burger bigger then his hand and a bun to slap it between. “Start serving ‘em up. You know better then I do what they’ll eat.” She laughs gesturing to where Sam and Nina and Johnny are lounging in the grass next to the bar’s fading wall.

Nina totters between Jo and Sam barely making each time, but getting stronger with each pass between the two adults.

When ever she gets close to Jo, Jo picks her up and kisses her tummy and Nina kicks and wiggles and giggles, flails until her feet touch the ground again. When she gets close enough to Sam, he picks her up and nibbles at her toes making her pump her legs and screech alarming laughs that make even Bobby huff with a sort of laughter.

Once, she wanders too close to Johnny and his coloring book, in retaliation Johnny leans forward and blows a half kiss against her ear which makes her sit with a surprised flop and just when she might cry she points her chubby finger and shouts.

“Bruwder!”

Sam’s mouth drops and Dean almost breaks his plate.

A new word, they eye each other as if to say Did you know?.

Johnny just smiles and says “Just like I taught you.”

And Ellen had to turn away and wipe her eyes repeatedly. “Damn allergies.”

They pack up the next morning. Dean has a lead on a house one neighborhood over from where they used to live. Insurance hasn’t come through from the fire, but Dean has the down payment ready - turns out John Booth, their father left them a tidy sum when he passed.

“A toloc?” Dean sounds skeptical.

“Sure, we’ll keep looking.” Bobby taps the top of the Impala. “This thing baby safe?”

“We were raised in it.”

“You were a soldier before you hit kindergarten.”

Dean laughs and salutes Bobby. “Sure was.” He points to Sam then, “I don’t want them growing up like he did.”

“He turned out all right.” Bobby opens the passenger door and gets in, motioning for Dean to do the same. “Listen, you sure Sam is Sam?”

Dean doesn’t hesitate. “Yes.”

“Yeah?”

“Bobby, I’m not doubting Sam, not for a second.” Dean leans back, settling into the bench seat that has molded to his shape; his life. “Only thing I’m doubting is Johnny, and ain’t that hell on earth.”

“He just showed up one day?”

“Same day Sam showed up, I guess.”

“Missouri doesn’t doubt him though?”

“Not that she’s saying.”

Bobby adjusts his cap. “Why don’t you boys stick around a few days? I’ll look into Johnny’s past, maybe send Jo out to, where’s he from?”

“Missouri thinks Iowa.”

“Send Jo out to Iowa, then.”

“Two days.” Dean scrubs at his eyes. “And, then we’re gone.”

“Good.”

Birds Fly Backwards: The Revision 3/?

2009-02-11T06:19:00Z

BIRDS FLY BACKWARDS REDUX Yeah, that’s right. BFB, edited from the beginning and continued.

Birds Fly Backwards: The Revision

Author: Buiochas_le_dia
Title: Birds Fly Backwards (3/?)
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: R
Summary so sam and dean are working on being a family again with the new additions
author’s note: i told myself I wouldn’t do this, but a good, if new, friend of mine, dared me. And if you’re irish you’re irish unless you’re texan and either way you can’t renick on a dare.
Feedback: is money. where oh where have the commenters gone? where oh where could they be?

Other chapters: Master Post

Dean tries to remember Sammy at three, and he can, except he can’t also, because his memory is clouded by smoke, and squealing tires and oh so many motel rooms and the same questions, the same pleading looks.

With Johnny, the main difference being, every moment is set in the same place, their little house in northern Michigan, and so the what is that much more memorable and important.

The what’s go something like this:

Johnny hates onions, Dean seems to remember that Sam did too, but now he can’t really be sure, because Sam also hated that onion poster in that one motel room in Walla Walla, so was it the poster or the food? Sam doesn’t remember either, I eat them now, Dean. he chastises and Dean wants to say yes, but that's not the point. Instead, he stays quiet.

Johnny draws, all the time, so much so that Dean is out buying new crayons every week, and when he tried to buy the cheap stuff, once, Johnny noticed, and commented, so that's like Sam, at least.

And Dean likes when Johnny is like Sam, but he hopes he still has time to leave his mark too.

Maybe steer the kid away from John Mayer and towards Robert Plant. It’s not that much to ask, not really. Already, he has Nina falling asleep to Smashing Pumpkins guitar riffs and Johnny humming Metallica in the bath tub, so, he figures that maybe, just maybe he has a shot.

Sam’s new favorite thing? Watching Dean take naps with the kids.

Its rare, a Saturday or Sunday afternoon treat when Dean doesn’t have to work and the kids aren’t racing around with a thousand times more energy then should be healthy. The way the house is set up the back porch opens up onto a small yard where Dean has set up a hammock. It’s ridiculously domestic and Sam sometimes wonders how much is an affect Nina has had and how much was Nina’s mother.

It used to be just a Nina and Dean thing. He’d take her out and lay her in the crook of his arm, suck on her fingers when she shoved them in his mouth, mostly though just telling her stories about this and that, some made up, some real. Then, two weekends ago, Johnny wandered out when Sam wasn’t watching and went to stand by them. Sam had stiffened, ready to dash out and spare Johnny the rejection, but already Johnny was tugging on Dean’s tattered shirt sleeve.

“Dea-- Dad?”

“Hey, kid.”

“Um.”

“You want up?”

“Um.”

“Here.” And Dean had dropped a strong arm down and had swooped Johnny up and onto his chest where the three year old lay giggling next to Nina’s bewildered face. “There, that's better. Now, I was just telling Nina about this time Koch ate a bug.”

Johnny’s face had scrunched up and he had squealed joyously and settled against Dean’s side.

What gets Sam is how easy it is for Dean. He guesses he just never noticed the way Dean was with kids. But now, watching Dean tickle and jostle Nina and Johnny, teasing them both equally and generally gluing them together as brother and sister, he is starting to see how Dean made the motels and the traveling and the training all come together and mean home, and Sam? Sam starts to feel a little bit like he’s not doing enough, just plain isn’t enough.

So, it’s his new favorite thing, but also it’s something else.

“Sam?”

“Mm.”

“Hey, wake up a minute.”

“Yeah? Yeah, m’wake.”

“Have you figured out who Johnny is yet?”

Sam stiffens. “Our kid.”

“Yeah.” Dean bites at his thumbnail and runs his other hand through his own hair. “I know.” He sighs, listens close to the baby monitor, hoping, that maybe, just maybe, Nina is stirring. For once, she isn’t. “He was just on Missouri’s doorstep?”

“Yeah.”

“Well.”

“Nina’s mom was a werewolf, you don’t see me asking questions.”

Dean tightens his shoulders, read for a fight. “Sam, I’m just.” He rolls his neck to stall for time. “Its a little. . .”

“Convenient?”

“Yeah.”

“Everything looks easy in the right light, Dean.”

“Sam, its just- you getting sent back, Johnny showing up. I’m just-”

“Dad?”

Dean sighs when he spots Johnny in the doorway and forces a smile. “J-man. C’mere.”

“Is Koch sleeping?”

“No, hey, buddy.”

“Can I. . . can I sleep with you?”

Dean reaches out and pulls Johnny onto his lap, rests him against his chest. “You all right?”

Sam shifts so he’s sitting against the headboard too. “You’re a little bit old for this, kiddo.”

“I know. But there is-- you said if there was ever anything--”

“Something scare you?” Dean’s rumble sounds reassuring but his face is all protective fear, he’s holding Johnny but he’s already calculating how fast he can get to Nina’s crib and at the same time get Sam out and Johnny safe, he’s barely listening when Johnny pushes his head against his chest and blurts out:

“There’s a yellow eyed man in the closet.”

Birds Fly Backwards: The Revision 2/?

2009-02-11T06:06:43Z

BIRDS FLY BACKWARDS REDUX Yeah, that’s right. BFB, edited from the beginning and continued.

Birds Fly Backwards: The Revision

Author: Buiochas_le_dia
Title: Birds Fly Backwards (2/?)
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: R this chapter
Summary Spoilers up to and including 2.21; After Sam does the Sam thing in 2.21 Dean moves on, finds himself missing his brother and raising a baby girl.
disclaimer: don’t own jack ‘cept the kids.
author’s note: i told myself I wouldn’t do this, but a good, if new, friend of mine, dared me. And if you’re irish you’re irish unless you’re texan and either way you can’t renick on a dare.
Feedback: is money.

Other chapters: Master Post

When Dean turns he sees.

He sees his shaggy-haired, younger brother staring back at him and past him to Nina.

He should say Christo and throw holy water, he should reach back and grab Nina and just run. He should do a thousand things he doesn’t. Instead, he reaches forward and pulls Sam to him; crushes his brother to himself and holds on like he’s never letting go.

And just for the record, he isn’t.

Nina is 1 year old and Dean’s brother is alive.

Dean’s brother is alive and has with him a toddler, maybe 3, named Johnny who has the same shocking green eyes as every Winchester Dean’s ever known.

“So you got yourself preggers?” Sam asks and Dean snorts over the top of his beer, eyes his brother, his brother critically. Their knees are pressed tightly together and like the day he brought Nina home, he can’t stop touching, afraid to lose contact, even for a moment.

“You did too. At least mine is a cute ass little girl.”

“Johnny’s pretty cute.”

Dean laughs again and then, “Sam.” It’s as if suddenly, Dean is realizing, Sam, Sam, Sammy. Dean slips to the floor and kneels in front of Sam. “Sam,” said like a prayer.

Everyone has a story.

The Winchester story goes something like this : nothing dead, stays dead.

The way he tells it, Sam never really died.

Azazel had kept him, as a pet, in the dark, and when Dean killed him, well Sam? Sam, sort of got lost in the shuffle. He doesn’t remember much and he promises, promises that he wasn’t hurt, and it didn’t feel like three years under, though the last year has certainly felt long enough. Time was strange, some days felt like months some months felt like seconds.

The way he tells it, John Winchester raised hell upstairs until a minor angel came down and sorted out the mess.

The way he tells it, it was all a technical difficulty.

Dean feels sick, but also very much alive. He watches Sam watch Nina. “She’s one year, next week, how old is he?”

“Johnny? He’s three.”

Sam is full of stories that Dean is dying to hear.

Sam ended up on earth again about a year ago on Missouri’s doorstep. Missouri was all a flutter, said a boy, just about two years old, landed in the same spot, with a note saying “For Sam Winchester” and now here was Sam. Only Sam didn’t quite remember his own name, not just yet.

So, for the next several months they all made a sort of haphazard family.

Sam said it was okay, but when his memories started coming back he started itching for Dean and now. . . “Here I am.”

“Christo.” Dean mutters watching Sam’s eyes, Johnny’s eyes.

Sam laughs, “A little late, don’t you think?”

It’s enough, Dean collapses at Sam’s feet.

From her crib Nina wails. “Da-da. Da-da.” Her tears spark Johnny who clings to Sam’s leg.

“All right. All right.” Sam groans pulling Dean up and over to the bed. “Everyone is just going to have to settle down for a minute.” He laughs as he smoothes Dean’s hair back. “It’s going to be a-ok, right buddy?”

Johnny nods and begins to suck his thumb.

Dean is trying to adjust.

Every minute that passes is a good one.

“Da-da?” Nina points at Sam as he passes by with a towel and cocks her head.

It’s been two weeks and still Dean is afraid to wake up and find the sheets beside him cold.

“Sort of, chica. Yo, Sam!”

“Yeah?” Sam calls from the bathroom, steam pouring out and towards the bed. “Kinda busy.”

Dean can hear Johnny splashing happily. “What does Johnny call you? Not dad?”

“Uh. Coach.”

“Like. . . football coach?”

“No. Like Koch, K-o-c-h, it’s short for Kochac.”

“Am I supposed to know what that means?” Dean lays back and holds Nina above him, tickling her ribs. “My brother’s cra-zy.”

“It means love, in Polish.”

Are we Polish all of a sudden?”

“I had to look it up, it was the only word Johnny knew when I met him.”

Dean swings his legs off the bed and carries Nina to where Sam is drying Johnny’s hair. “Koch.” He takes her finger and points it at Sam. “Koch, love.”

She giggles and kicks her legs.

“Da-da.” Dean points at his own chest. “Koch.” He points at Sam again. “Brother.” He points at Johnny and Sam looks up.

“You think?”

“I know.” Dean winks at Johnny who peers up at him from beneath a mound of terry cloth. “Sister.” He pokes Nina’s nose.

She shrieks and smiles.

Sam stands next to Nina’s crib in this predawn darkness with her, his baby now, in his arms. He holds her close and hums Led Zeppelin low in his throat.
She blinks slow and wide, tries to gurgle along with the notes. In her tiny fist she clenches his finger.

Sam holds her that much closer and looks about the room.

There are charms hanging from all four corners, and he knows salt is dried in the paint along the windows and below the carpet on the floor and everyday a little holy water is put in her milk. He remembers the first time he told Missouri to put the water in Johnny’s breakfast, how she’d looked at him so strangely, but done it anyway.

“I wish I’d been there.” He whispers into Nina’s hair. “I wish I’d been there when you were born.” Hot tears slide from the corners of his eyes. “You are so beautiful and so loved, do you know?”

She reaches up and grabs his hair. “Koch.” And then she smiles bright like it’s the best word she’s learned to say so far. “Koch.”

“Koch?”

“Yeah, buddy?”

“Is that other man my daddy too?”

Sam smiles and pulls Johnny closer to him all the while reading his shopping list and pulling items from the grocery shelf. “Yeah.” He pauses and kisses the top of Johnny’s head. “Sure is.”

“Can I call him dad, like Nina does? Even though I don’t call you that?”

“Kochac means the same thing, baby.”

“Ok.”

“And, yes, you should call him dad.”

“Ok.” Johnny peers up at Sam.

“We’re still a team, right? You and me. We just have more players now.” Sam pulls his son, his son into a hug, awkward because of the grocery cart bar Johnny is sitting behind, but still good. Johnny has started smelling like Dean’s shampoo, Sam rubs his nose in his hair making him giggle.

That night Sam tucks their kids in and then he attacks his brother.

“I missed you.”

“You too, Sam.”

“I missed this.”

“Me too, Sam.” Dean laughs into his brothers neck and pulls his hips forward in a slow roll. “God, I missed this.” He bites at the soft skin just below Sam’s ear. “Forgot how good you could feel around me.”

“Faster.”

“We got all the time in the world.”

They both burst into laughter and Dean’s thrusts pick up speed. He shoves his tongue into Sam’s mouth to swallow their moans.

Sam’s hands clench and unclench around Dean’s hips, pulling him in closer, tighter, harder.

When they finish Dean holds Sam in a way he didn’t, wouldn’t have before. “Please, stay.” He whispers almost too quiet to be heard. He doesn’t cry but he shakes a little. “Don’t want to do that again.”

And Sam just holds him right back, in a way he was never allowed to before, so somethings are better, get better. And he nods and promises in his silent, I’m your brother and your lover, your best friend, sort of way.

What Sam doesn’t say out loud, though, is this: he’s not sure this is going to work. Johnny and Sam? They sort of have a thing going, they lean on each other and they block the rest of the world out, and from what Sam can see, Nina and Dean? They have a whole ‘nother thing going. One where they are the whole world to each other, don’t have to block anything out, because there isn’t anything else.

So, if Sam keeps a duffle with some of Johnny’s clothes, and some of his, and the keys to a car he has a parked a few blocks a way, hidden under Johnny’s bed, its not because he doesn’t love Dean, its because he does and he doesn’t want Dean to be the one to have to leave.

Birds Fly Backwards: The Revision 1/?

2009-02-11T05:35:07Z

BIRDS FLY BACKWARDS REDUX Yeah, that’s right. BFB, edited from the beginning and continued.

Author: Buiochas_le_dia
Title: Birds Fly Backwards (1/?)
Pairing: Sam/Dean, Dean/OFC (briefly)
Rating: PG-13-R this chapter, NC-17 later
Summary Spoilers up to and including 2.21; After Sam does the Sam thing in 2.21 Dean moves on, finds himself missing his brother and raising a baby girl.
disclaimer: don’t own jack ‘cept the kids.
author’s note: i told myself I wouldn’t do this, but a good, if new, friend of mine, dared me. And if you’re irish you’re irish unless you’re texan and either way you can’t renick on a dare.
Feedback: is money.

Other chapters: Master Post

Sam is dead and it is two years before Dean breathes again.

In the grand scheme of things, he’s surprised he survived at all.

Lucy reminds Dean of Madison, what he can remember anymore. She has big bright eyes that flash when she’s angry and she is tall and thin. She reminds him of Madison but then she flips her hair and she looks like Sam, though, anymore, everything reminds him of Sam.

More importantly, because this is how they met, she’s a werewolf.

Dean fucks her anyway.

It’s the anger, the passion that bursts through your veins when you know you’re going to die, and not soon, not tomorrow, but right now. She doesn’t cry, but she’s begging in other ways, in the roll of her hips, the clench of her fist against his arm. “Okay,” He breathes “Okay. You have a month until the next full moon.”

“We have a month.” She sighs into his skin.

Two days left and he’s already stocked up on silver.

She stops him on the way to his car. “I’m pregnant.”

And Dean? Dean isn’t surprised at all. “Well, you just bought yourself 9 months.”

“Will it hurt the baby?”

“Guess we’ll find out.”

When she dies giving birth, it also, isn’t a surprise. Anymore, he’s sure nothing can catch him off guard.

The baby though? She’s perfect. She breathes perfect breaths and screams perfect screams. She blinks perfect blinks and she gurgles perfect gurgles. Dean can’t stop touching her perfect, perfect feet. When can he take her home, he wants to know. He asks again and again. Never, not since Sam, has he wanted anything so much.

“You have to name her first.” The nurse smiles and sits next to Dean’s chair where he is cradling her ever so carefully in his arms. In these last few years he has had no need to be gentle. He has almost forgotten how.

“I--I don’t--”

“What was your mom’s name?”

“Mary.”

“Mary then?”

“Katarina. . . Katarina Mary Winchester.”

The nurse smiles, says that’s perfect.

A long time ago, before the fire, before everything really, in a time where reality had not yet formed, Dean’s mom had shown him the family scrap book. They had cuddled around cups of warm milk and Dean had made fun of Sam’s curls, and Mary had said If I ever have a little girl, I’m going to name her Katarina, Nina, like your grandmother. And then she had kissed Dean’s head and tickled his ribs.

“Nina.”

Nina is not Sammy. This is the first thing Dean learns.

She wiggles more and cries more and eats more and she demands more of Dean’s attention. All of Dean’s attention

What is the same is this: She makes his heart ache the way Sam did. Every smile tugs at heart strings long left untouched.

“Dean you are bon-a-fide out of your league.” Ellen holds Nina up to the light as if checking her for blemishes and just as suddenly she blows a raspberry in the infant’s stomach.

Nina shrieks gaily and opens her chubby hands for a hug.

“Beautiful baby.”

Dean nods and blushes.

“She looks like Sam.” And though it cuts, Jo means it as a compliment.

“I know.” Dean reaches for his daughter. “With any luck she’ll be just a moody and disrespectful.” He smiles as he says it, and kisses her forehead. “How does lunch sound baby girl?”

Nowadays, the Impala is more nursery then sex machine, but Dean is finding he doesn’t mind. The green and yellow blankets look as at home on the back seat as Sam’s ratty tennis shoes ever did. “You’re taking over kid.” He nods knowingly and smiles. “You think you’re so cute, but, I’m on to you.”

Nina blows a spit bubble and giggles.

“I know your game. Three months old and you’re already a flirt.”

Teething is a nightmare. More often then not Dean sacrifices his fingers, not sure yet which toys are okay for her to chew.

Her six month birthday he stays up, cup after cup of coffee, bleary eyed and terrified.

The demon's dead, he’s dead, and yet -

- but nothing happens and the next day Dean hugs her close to him and does not take his eyes off her face. By now, she’s holding her bottle by herself but he holds it for her today, all day. He can’t stop touching her.

They dodge the demon bullet, so to speak, but still it is three months before Dean can bear the thought of anyone but him being in charge. “Nina.”

She tilts her head in his direction, she is sitting by herself banging a rubber hammer against the floor. “Bleh. Goo. Da.” She smiles, and nods, as if she’s made sense. As if she’s said exactly what she meant.

“Baby, I have to start working. I’ve got you a baby sitter.” Dean has borrowed the young girl from her studies at the University of Michigan. She is small, blonde, bright, clean, she reminds Dean of his mom.

“Oh, you are beautiful.” The girl crouches next to Nina and strokes her curls.

Dean backs slowly from the room, and has to force himself to keep walking when Nina starts to cry. The whole day he thinks about her and when the mechanic hires him he barely notices. He can’t pay the student fast enough and just like that he’s cradling his girl again, nuzzling her neck.

“Pretty girl, daddy’s home.”

It’s not even a week later and they’ve fallen into this rhythm, work and home again. Missing her the whole time.

“What did that girl call you?” Dean tries to remember, Chica. . . Chica Bonita, he likes that, very pretty--

“Da-da?” Nina jabs Dean’s chest.

“No-- wait. What?”

“Da-da?” She nods and jabs his chest again. “Da-da.” Like she’s finally figured it out.

He swings her in the air laughing. “Da-da. That’s me. Good girl. That’s my good girl.” He kisses her cheeks and laughs, she is giggling too.

She pulls at his hair and looks at him like he’s the only thing that matters in the whole world. “Da-da!”

She waves when he leaves for work. “Bye-bye, Da-da.”

“Bye-bye, baby. My chica bonita.” He blows her a kiss and prays the day goes quickly.

The Impala is overflowing with Nina’s things. “Such a girl.” He chastises fondly, buckling her into her child seat. She throws her hat at him, smiling. “Think your so clever, do you? Sam did the same thing, socks too, thought he was so clever.”

“Did I?”

Dean’s so used to thinking he’ll see Sam around any corner, used to hearing his voice in every voice he doesn’t even look up. Just nods, and keeps talking to Nina.

“Dean.”

His heart stops. He is scared to turn around.

buiochas_le_dia @ 2009-02-10T13:32:00

2009-02-10T21:34:43Z

Running late.

I have a lot of unfinished business on the journal.

Sometimes I feel like closing up shop and starting over somewhere new; where my writing isn't known and where I don't have 30 people hanging on to different fics and waiting for an ending I can't see much less write.

I have become my own worst enemy on this thing.

So to Birds Fly Backwards and Tuesday fans. . . I'm still thinking of you, though you hvae long since moved on. And I'm trying, trying really hard to figure out where I wanted those pieces to go.

For now though, this cross over has my heart. Like Underway used to.

Torn From the Map : Guide

2009-02-10T02:45:39Z

This is a crossover between two distinctly different shows: Supernatural of theCW and Jericho formerly of CBS.

First and foremost. I've never watched Jericho. Do I have to?
You don't need to in order to read this fic!!!! I can't stress that enough. I will be borrowing from the Jericho script as well as adding my own but nothing concerning Jericho is left up to the imagination.

I absolutely recommend the show, but you need not have seen it to understand this story.

The same cannot be said for Jericho fans with no knowledge of Supernatural. However, episode and story info can be found HERE and HERE.

Is this an AU?
Yes, neither show has ever interacted with the other. And as far as SPN fans are concerned, Lilith is alive and well.

It's a question of time
The time lines of these two shows are vastly different.

I have made the odd choice to transplant Sam and Dean back four years in order for events to line up more succinctly.
Briefly this means: Sam was born in 1979. Dean in 1975. Castiel shows up in 2005 instead of 2009.

What's canon anymore?
Supernatural: I have chosen to adhere faithfully up to and including the season 4 premier in which we meet Castiel. References to season 4 continue past this point but are adjusted and smudged as needed.

As far as Jericho goes, 97% of every Jericho reference is meant to be canon, except of course we've never met an Ashley Evans who was in Eric Green's class at school. References to her are not canon. However, my goal is to fit her to the existing plot, rather than change the existing story line. It should be noted that certain elements will be altered.

Who the hell is Ashley?
She's an OFC. You'll learn about her as the story goes on.

Who gave you the challenge?
My sister-in-law, on whom Ashley is based.

Torn From the Map, 2/?

2009-02-10T02:33:00Z

Torn From the Map, 1/? [NC17 overall] Dean/Sam, Dean/Ofc, xover Jericho

Title: Torn From the Map
Part: 2/?
Rating: R
Summary: Sam and Dean stop Lilith but the world ends anyways. Sam is facing a far more terrifying future, one in which Lucifer is not needed to create hell on earth. By his side, a quirky angel, a cranky sister-in-law and the town of Jericho, Kansas. Also, keep in mind that nothing is every final.
Pairing: Dean/OFC (so far), Dean/Sam, features Dean, Sam, OFC, all characters of Jericho
AN Supernatural XOver with Jericho
AN: I have created a post for notes and explanations as I go on. Mostly this is overly cautious, my hope being that the writing, if read, speaks for itself. Click Here: Torn From the Map: A Guide
Challenge: The challenge I was given Create a seamless cross-over between Supernatural and another T.V. show of choice while also adding a female character who fits the story line of both shows as they exist. Only minor canon tweaking is allowed.

July 2006

“I’m trying to stop the apocalypse.” Dean looks to Sammy for support, Sam just looks away.

She doesn’t budge.

“Please?”

“No.”

“Babe.”

She puts one hand out, stops him from moving forward. She is small but she is strong.

“I’ll keep an eye on him.” Sam offers, finally.

“How’s that? You’re not going either.” Ashley has a hard time connecting with this brother, but she tries and she is used to distances anyways. She can love through the silence.

“We have angels, Ash.” And, if Dean sounds plaintive, is nearly begging, no one comments.

“You have an angel, maybe.” She lets her hand drop. She doesn’t believe in what they are doing, she has never seen a demon’s eyes black as night, or felt Castiel hold her hand in his. She believes that they are soldiers fighting in a secret war, the details are just that and insignificant.

“I’ll come home.” Dean promises. “I will.”

She lets him go.

Sam follows quickly without a backward glance.

Present Day Sherman County, Kansas

They are outside Kanorado, a little nothing town in Sherman County, on the border, when Ashley turns the radio off and ignores Sam’s glare; pulls out her cell phone and dials a number from memory.

It goes to voice mail three times before finally, “This better be important.”

“Stanley?”

“Yeah? Listen, I’m about to start dinner-”

“Stanley, it’s Ashley.”

“Ash?”

“I’m coming home.”

“You’re what?”

“I’m coming home, Stan-”

Sam interrupts by nearly crashing the car. They have been driving straight since lunch in Cheyenne. It is 6:05 pm. “Ash.” He jostles her arm until she hangs up, “Jesus.”

She blinks, confused and disoriented before her eyes settle on the western horizon. She scrambles to open her door.

Sam joins her on the shoulder and they both stare, mouths slightly open.

“I thought you saved the world, already, Winchester.”

“We did.” Sam can barely form the words his mouth is so dry.

“Then what the hell is that?” She points to the mushroom cloud as if they’re both not seeing it. She traces it with her finger.

“That,” Sam forces himself to breathe steady, “that used to be Denver.”

Supernatural X-OVER

2009-02-09T07:30:07Z

Rating: NC-17 (Though PG this chapter)
Title: Torn From the Map
Summary: Let's start with 'I hate summaries' and end with: Sam and Dean stop Lilith but the world ends anyways.
Pairing: Dean/OFC (so far), Dean/Sam
AN Supernatural XOver with Jericho -- also, is a multi-faceted time jumping piece, so that, in one piece a character may be dead, but because of flashbacks, etc, is not actually dead from the story, and in fact, has an integral part play.
Challenge: The challenge I was given Create a seamless cross-over between Supernatural and another tv show of choice while also adding a female character who fits the story line of both shows as they exist. Only minor canon tweaking is allowed.

It has been more than two weeks and they haven't left the motel.

Haven't spoken.

Sam would like to reach out to her; to hold in his arms this sister-in-law he barely knows, but the weight of his own grief keeps him seated.

She is kneeling on the floor folding and re-folding all of the clothes which used to be Dean's. She is not crying or yelling or begging; she isn't even accepting, as far as Sam can tell, she is simply folding and this has been and is her only reaction.

Dean is dead and there is nothing Sam or anyone can do. There is no soul to bargain for or rescue to be attempted because Dean is, in the truest sense of the word, already saved. And this nuance, which separates Dean's first death from this final one, is so small as to not be the comfort Castiel meant it to be, small enough that Ashley, who did not know Dean before, hardly notices it at all.

Sam sits and and he watches Ashley refold and refold and he is caught up in the rhythm of her grief and in this way can forget his own. "Ash."

She doesn't look up but her hands pause.

"Ashley-"

And then, as if she knows that he has nothing to say after her name, she says, "I want to go home."

"Ok." He stands and waits for her to pack. His duffel is in the Impala, waiting.

She places each war-torn t-shirt in the bag she shared with Dean. Next, his jeans, and finally his leather jacket. Her own clothes she has crammed into a plastic trash bag as if it is her who has died and not her husband.

They are thirty miles outside of Cheyenne before Sam realizes he doesn't know, and thinks to ask, "Where is home?"

She drags her eyes from the side of the road and for the first time since Dean died in Sam's arms she meets his gaze. "Jericho," She nods once, "Jericho is home."

And it doesn't surprise Sam that, of every the state they'd lived in and every girl he met, the one Dean fell in love with ended up being from Kansas. "Jericho it is."

speaking of jericho

2009-01-29T01:34:30Z

i'm getting set to start my jericho/spn crossover and what do i hear?? they're making a jericho movie!!! with the orignal cast. pretty fucking sweet.

buiochas_le_dia @ 2009-01-23T15:44:00

2009-01-23T23:45:18Z

I just started watching Jericho and I totally regret not watching it sooner. Captivating.

Birds Fly Backwards (14/?)

2008-05-12T23:53:52Z

Author: Buiochas_le_dia
Title: Birds Fly Backwards (14/?)
Pairing: Sam/Dean
Rating: NC17
Summary a birthday party, a visit from grandpa and . . . CPS?
author’s note: It’s for you, my readers. Oh, and, FYI a little time has passed since the last one. Sam and Dean are settling in to being lovers again and Nina’s about to turn the big 0-5.
Feedback: is money.

Sam has Dean right where he wants him: pinned to the mattress; begging for it. “So. It’s her fifth birthday.”

“F-fuck.” Dean groans and arches for more contact. “Wait- what?” He digs his nails into the headboard he’s clinging to, staying his orgasm.

“Nina.”

“Sam, are you here right now?”

“She’s turning five. I want to start a college fund for her.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

Sam presses his arm across the small of Dean’s back holding him still.

“You’re not, are you? You’re balls deep inside me and you want to talk about savings accounts.” Dean clenches around Sam and grins when Sam moans his hips hitching in a stuttered thrust. “You are the biggest nerd I’ve ever goddamn met.”

“This nerd is also the best fuck you’ve ever had.” Sam stretches forward and catches Dean’s ear in a soft bite, snaps his hips once, twice, angling to drag on Dean’s prostate on each brutal thrust.

“Jesus. Yeah - there.” Dean buries his face in his arms as he rides the wave of his orgasm, Sam follows, losing rhythm, his breath hot on Dean’s bowed neck. “Good?” Sam braces himself on trembling arms just long enough for Dean to nod, sated. He pulls out and falls to the side. “Love you.”

“Ditto.”

“Dean.”

“Get the washcloth, bitch.”

“Jerk.” But, Sam stands anyways.

Dean reaches out and grabs his brother’s wrist. “Love you, too.”

Sam smiles.

“Nina, the cheerios go in your mouth.” Dean flicks at one that’s landed on his arm.

“I know!” She sticks out her bottom lip.

“Impressive.” He knuckles her curls. “Sam, what do I need to get from the store?”

“Dean!”

“What? You never let me go to the store-”

“You never want to go-”

“Anyways. How can you expect me to remember the whole freaking list on my first try?”

“I’ve told you three times.”

“And I told you to write it down.”

“Are you fighting?” Johnny lifts his head from his comic book, his lips twisted.

“No!” They snap in unison. “Oh. Hey,” Sam adds his eyes lighting up. “Grab a notebook, kiddo. You’re going to write this all out, practice that scrawl.”

Johnny grumbles but shuffles of obligingly.

Dean spots John behind the cat food in aisle three.

Nina is pointing at all the pet toys and begging for a puppy (which she’s getting in t-minus 20 hours) and Johnny is an entire row away and Dean is searching for tuna fish and is just starting to think he’s in the wrong aisle and there is John.

For a moment all he feels is hurt because it’s his Dad, and he hasn’t seen him in 10 years and he’s right there but it’s not him and never in his life has Dean ever been afraid of his father and it hurts.

His body acts without him. He drags Nina up and out of the carts her little knees catching on the handlebar wrenching a shriek from her. She kicks at him and every shopper is staring at him and he doesn’t have time, not now, to calm her down. “Nina.” He presses her face to his neck and she bites him. She’s scared, he knows, but she’s making a scene and the John - it’s smiling, smirking at Dean like it knows. “Johnny.” Dean’s voice sounds foreign and it scares Nina all over again. She kicks at him, struggling in his arms.

“Let go. Let go!”

“Neen. Please.” Dean shifts her, angles her kicking legs away from his torso. John disappears around the corner. “Johnny!” Anymore, Dean can’t hear his own voice. The whole world is muted - just Dean and John and Johnny and Dean abandons his cart, determined to get to his son before that thing.

“Dad?”

Dean nearly knocks Johnny over looking for him. “Kid. Kid. Kid.” He hoists him up and hugs him as tight as he can to the leather of his coat.

“Nina’s kicking!”

Just like that sound rushes back to him. Nina’s screaming and mothers are yelling at him and now Johnny’s struggling, trying to get away from his hysterical sister, his crazy dad.

“What are you doing? Your kids are flipping out.” A woman moves to take Nina from him.

“Don’t fucking touch her.” Dean is keyed up, right now, he feels as crazy as he sounds. “Back the fuck away from my children.”

“You’re hurting her.” A calmer voice approaches Dean from behind. Dean turns, angry and recognizes Johnny’s teacher. “Your daughter, you’re hurting her.”

“She’s fine. I’m taking her home.”

“Mr. Winchester, I think you should put Nina back in the cart. Then I think you should sit down-” Behind her two security guards have tazers drawn.

“Listen.” Dean knows situations like this, he can sweet talk his way out of a wolf’s den. He can. “We- She’s overreacting. She’s-”

“Dean. Can I call you Dean? Dean, Nina is screaming. You can hear her, and her pants are torn, you need to put her down.”

“She’s fine.” Dean adjusts her again. “Aren’t you, Nina?” She pushes at his chest, her eyes screwed tight and swollen from crying. “And, Johnny’s fine too.”

“I am.” Johnny manages, schooling his face into a mask. “I’m fine.” He sticks out his chin. He’s doing what Sam taught him - no matter what family sticks together. If Dad or Koch is acting strange, Sam has told both of the kids, if we’re acting strange it’s for a reason. You just go with it and trust us. Dean didn’t think, before, it was good advice (Sam, we might get possessed.) but right now, he couldn’t be more grateful.

“Johnny, that’s great. But, your sister is very upset, we just want to get her a juice box. Maybe, you could help me pick one out?” His teacher is placating, nice as can be, Johnny isn’t buying.

“She’s a cry baby.”

“Thanks for your concern.” Dean takes a step past the teacher. “I’m going to take her home.”

The security guards look ready to pounce but they let Dean go. Before he reaches the door Dean can hear the teacher telling them she has Dean’s contact information.

“Jesus.” Sam meets them in the drive-way.

“Mrs. Johnson just called me.”

“Mrs. Johnson?”

“Johnny’s teacher.”

“I thought her name was King.”

“Last year, Dean. This year it’s Johnson.”

“We saw her at the store.”

“You saw her at the store? Nina is fucking flipping out.” Sam opens the Impala’s backdoor and lifts Nina from her carseat. “Hey, baby.” He cradles her like an infant, reaching out to ruffle Johnny’s hair. “Kiddo, lunch is on the table.”

“Kay.”

“Nina, shush. Shush.” He lets her suck her thumb, though they’ve stopped that habit, if only because it keeps her quiet, temporarily.

“Dean. What happened?”

“I freaked, Sam. I saw Dad and-”

“You saw that thing?”

“I was just shopping and he was right there.”

“Okay. Hey, she’s bleeding.”

“She bumped - she’s what?”

“Her leg, Jesus, that’s why she was hollering. She’s got a nice gash.”

“Give her to me.”

“No, not going to do that. Get the first aid kit.” Sam blocks Dean from taking Nina. “Go.”

“Fine.” Dean disappears inside, the front door slamming behind him.

“Okay, sweetheart.” Sam hugs Nina a little closer. “Let’s get you inside and cleaned up.”

“Dad went nuts.” She offers finally, her eyes a little dryer, calmer now that she’s with Sam.

“A little bit, yeah.” Sam kisses her forehead. “He loves you, you know?”

“Yeah.” She sticks her thumb back in her mouth.

Dean has to leave while Sam cleans the cut. He tried to hold her but she struggled and his daughter pulling away from him was a little more than he can take.

“Neen, can you tell me what happened?”

“Is Daddy mad because I keep asking for a puppy?”

“No, baby. Dad isn’t mad at all.”

“He acted really mad. He swore at all the people in the store. He was mean to Johnny’s teacher.”

“Nina, did you see grandpa at the store?”

“No.” She tilts her head and watches Sam smooth a Minnie mouse band-aid over her cut. “I don’t like scars.”

“This won’t scar.” He kisses the band-aid. “I promise. You ready for lunch?”

“They’re napping.”

Dean nods but doesn’t look up from his beer. He pushes at the ground and sets the hammock rocking.

“You saw, Dad?”

“Don’t question me. I don’t make a habit of abusing my children.”

Sam puts his hands up. “No. You don’t. And you didn’t, abuse them. She’s fine, just shaken up.”

“I pulled her out of the cart. I didn’t have time- Johnny wasn’t with me, he was an aisle over getting paper towels.” Dean stops moving long enough for Sam to sit. “And it was Dad, Jesus, Sam. It looks just fucking light him-”

“We’ll-” Sam is cut off by the sound of their doorbell. “We’ll figure this out.”

“Can I help you?”

“Mr. Winchester, Sam?”

“Yeah.”

“My name is Mac Keaton, I’m from CPS.” He holds his ID against the screen door. “Can I come in?”

i have a question

2008-05-07T16:43:59Z

the question is:

if i pick birds fly backwards back up . . . will anyone read it?

where have all the danny and flack fics gone?

2008-04-23T17:17:36Z

i am i am i am superman.

buiochas_le_dia @ 2008-04-21T18:32:00

2008-04-22T01:34:45Z

title: Gonna waste my time with you and let this love go
rating: FRM
author: buiochas_le_dia
summary: My take on the Rikki/Danny/Lindsay fiasco. I figure it’s always good to hash out a problem from different POV’s.
author’s note: I don’t hate Lindsay and I don’t think the CSI:NY writer’s do either. Relationships are tough and never perfect. Any ways.
disclaimer: I do not own and am not affiliated with CSI:NY or any characters related to her.

“Love is a strong word, Lindsay.” Danny flattens his hands on the island in her apartment. “I - it’s a strong word.”

“Yeah.” She’s perched on one of her repainted barstools, her back rigid and her hands are clenched, her eyes trained on his.

“I didn’t think we were there yet.” He sucks in a sharp breath. “I didn’t mean. I just- Linds it’s only been a few months, and we’ve been through-”

“Let’s not start with ‘I love you’ okay.” Lindsay stands so that she’s directly in front of him. “Where have you been since Ruben’s death? You don’t answer the phone, you don’t want to see me-”

“Do you remember the first thing you said to me after Ruben died?”

“I don’t know what to say.” She sighs apologetically. “But I also said ‘I’m here for you.’”

“You did.” It’s danny’s turn to sigh. “I’ve been with Rikki, dinners, lunches.”

“Have you slept with her?”

“Last night. She was hurting, we were hurting.”

“You cheated on me.”

“I never said you were my girlfriend.”

“You’re an asshole.”

“Linds. Look, okay, of course, you mean something to me. I care about you. You make me smile and I like waking up to you- I didn’t sleep with Rikki to cheat on you. It wasn’t- I got her kid killed. I was in charge of his well being and I failed in the worst way. And she’s alone, and I’m here, and goddamn it. It’s the least I can fucking do.”

“So it’s a pity fuck, you and her?”

“No.” He lets his head drop, finally, his eyes averted from her stony face. “I care about her Linds. Even before all this I liked her, and you mean more, what we have is more but right now- I don’t know how to grieve with you.”

“I’ve lost people too.”

“I might as well have pulled the fucking trigger, do you understand? Have you done that? Have you ever fucked up that badly?”

“Danny.”

“I’m sorry that you love me, I’m a piss poor choice and for that I’m sorry. I can’t do this, I can’t have lunches and go for walks and plan vacations. I’m chest deep in guilt and pain and god knows you just got past that in your life-”

“Let me-”

“No.” He huffs out a sorry laugh. “Jesus. This is more than I’ve said in three years. You’re in a very different place in your life, Montana-”

“Don’t.”

“Ok. Lindsay. With Rikki, I know where I stand, she’s using me and it’s good, it’s what I deserve and if for one second, one fucking second I can make her forget that Ruben’s gone, then I’m going to do that-”

“So, it’s over?”

“I-”

“Actually. You know what? It’s not a question. It’s over Danny.”

“I don’t want you out of my life, I just need time.”

“You can’t have both. You can’t have Rikki and me.”

“The night Ruben died you went out with Stella for drinks.”

“What?”

“I went to your apartment because I thought, she can help, even if she doesn’t know how, she can help, and you weren’t there.”

“I-”

“I went to the church and sat with Rikki for hours and then I went to your apartment. I sat on your walkup until midnight.”

Lindsay sits and lets her hands unclench, she wipes them on her jeans before responding. “Danny if you’re blaming all this on that one night-”

“I’m not. I’m saying that I flew to fucking Montana to make sure you were okay and you weren’t even giving me the time of day. You stood me up and I still flew a thousand miles to hold your hand. What have you done to reach out for me? To pull me back from the ledge? You sent Flack after me, you called my cell, you covered for me- But Linds. . . it’s like you’re surprised I pulled away.”

“What am I supposed to say to that?”

“I fucked up, I get that. I should have relied on you and leaned on you, but hey, ditto kiddo. I was right there under you throughout your entire ordeal - where have you been? And then that night, that one night when I needed you the most you were at a bar-”

“I didn’t think you’d come over.”

“I know.”

The silence that follows stretches for solid minutes.

“I’m going to go.” Danny says finally, dusk settling as a grey light over them. “I don’t want to lose you, but I can’t, I can’t give you anything right now.”

“You slept with her.”

“Yes.”

“Danny, if you need space, I can- I can try. But, I can’t do anything for us if you’re sleeping with her.”

“I can’t give you that. What she needs from me-”

“It isn’t healthy.”

“Nothing about the way I deal with anything is healthy, Linds.”

“What about what I need from you?”

“You’ve never needed me.” He smiles, a little sadly, and shrugs. “Ain’t that the truth at the core? We’ve both needed a lot of things, but never each other. Not quite. After Louie died I needed Mac because he knew loss, and after Aiden I needed Flack because he was a friend. And after Ruben, I need Rikki, I need to do whatever I can for Rikki.”

“Then you’re right, you should go.”

“Linds.”

“I’m going to try and wait for you, Danny, I am. But when you come around, I’m letting you know, I might not be there.”

“Ok.” He doesn’t look at her as he leaves, just walks around the counter with his head down.

“Hey, Rik.” He smiles when he sees her, forcing thoughts of Lindsay from his head. “Smells good.”

“I figured I owed you for the omelets.” She’s standing at his stove stirring vegetables in a simple blue dress, her hair down. She smiles for him and leans up for a kiss when he’s close enough.

“I broke up with my girlfriend.”

“You had a girlfriend?” She doesn’t pull away from his looped arm but she stiffens.

“I guess- she thought.” He pauses, resting his chin in Rikki’s hair. “Yeah.”

“I wouldn’t have-”

“I know, Rikki. I know what kind of person you are. I just. Us ending was a long time coming. You know, our first date was the day before I was held hostage.”

“Oh.” Rikki barks out an awkward laugh, her breath catching on his collar. “That’s a bad start.”

“Kind of a sign of things to come, I think.”

“Do you love her?”

“No. I mean.” He takes a bite from the spoon she offers him. “Good. Any ways, there were things about her- my head isn’t in the right place to fall in love, you know?”

“I do.”

That night he gets Rikki spread out beneath him, her skin still damp from their shared shower. He twists his fingers inside her, watches her face for signs of pleasure. She wants it rough, she keens and thrusts her hips at him, but he’s taking it slow.

“We’ve got all night honey.” He licks at her neck. “We’ve got all the time in the world.”

And they do. Rikki’s alone and, now, Danny is too.

They have all the time they need.

Flack slams Danny into the last row of lockers keeping his arm pressed firmly into Danny’s throat. “I’m going to give you 5 minutes to tell me what the fuck is going on.”

Danny nods and Flack lets his arm drop.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You heard that the accreditor wrote Lindsay up because she’s so hung up on you she didn’t put her evidence away.”

“Mac mentioned it.”

“Dan-”

“I didn’t realize she was in love me until after I slept with Rikki.”

“You slept with Rikki?” Flack leans against the lockers, his expression tired.

“A couple nights ago.”

“And then you ask Monroe if she wants to rent a movie?”

“She told you.”

“Hawkes overheard. Vents, I guess.”

“I’m screwed up.” Danny shakes his head and laughs quietly. “I don’t want to date Lindsay anymore-”

“I told you, from the beginning, that she was wrong for you.”

“I know. I know. I just- she’s still a friend.”

“You want her to be Aiden, and she’s not. She’s not tough like Aiden. She’s strong sure, but not tough.”

“Fuck. What the hell am I going to do?”

“End it with Lindsay, once and for all. End it with Rikki-”

“I-”

“Dan. End it with Rikki.” Flack stands up straighter. “Then. Give me a call and we’ll go shoot some pool. Talk to me, Messer.”

“I can’t end it with Rikki.”

“It’s probably the most unhealthy relationship-”

“So I’ve been told.”

“Ok.” Flack shrugs. “Then don’t end it. But don’t say I didn’t warn you. But, Dan? You have to lay it out for Lindsay. Cut it off so she can get over you.”

“I care about her-”

“Then you’ll let her let go.”

Lindsay slaps him with her nails curled, and the scratches he explains with a lame story about his landlady’s cat.

“Fuck you, Danny Messer.” Is all she says, her face curled in an unattractive snarl, but she doesn’t yell or scream or cry.

“Linds.”

She slams the car door in his face, he gives her a slow count of ten before he follows.

“I didn’t think you’d ever fall in love with me, much less so soon-”

“So you figured it’d be okay to- Danny, I don’t understand. One day you’re telling me you need time, the next that you want us to be friends.”

“I thought if I had time. Time to help Rikki and close that chapter of my life, I thought that after all that I’d be able to give you everything you deserve. But- Linds I don’t have that to give. Even on my best days I don’t have what you deserve-”

“Don’t tell me what I deserve like I don’t know-”

“I can’t be that for you. I can’t, but I want us to be friends. You said that you felt like you were losing your best friend- I don’t want you to feel that way. I want-”

“I want more.”

“I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Linds, I can’t. I don’t have it in me.”

“Well that’s it then, that’s all there is to say.”

“Linds-”

“I don’t know if I can be your friend because I right now I’m so in love with you I ache and now I’m facing a long walk to get away from that ache. I hope you know what you’re throwing away, Messer. I wanted to be so much for you, family. I-” She turns and he knows he’s not meant to follow.

He uses his extra key to get into Rikki’s apartment. She’s curled up on the sofa, her arm draped over a photo album. He pulls the album away from her and places it on the coffee table. “Rik?”

“Danny?”

“Hey. How you doin’?”

“Fine.” She sits up, leaning into him. “I’m fine.”

“You called, I was at work.”

She nods, shrugs. “Missed you.”

“Your personal leave ends tomorrow. It’ll be better when you’re at work-”

“Keeping busy. That’s what my shrink says.”

He tugs at her until she’s in his lap. “Missed you too.” He breathes her in and for the first time in the weeks since his life began to fall apart he feels calm. Any port in a storm, they say. “A port’s a port.” He says.

“What?” She laughs and pulls at his dog tags.

“Just glad to see you.”

“Yeah.” She nods and lets him kiss her.

buiochas_le_dia @ 2008-04-09T22:18:00

2008-04-10T05:19:26Z

so who else felt a fucking HOT FLASH watching csi:ny 5 minutes ago.

holy shit.

most amazing scene ever.

and fuck lindsay. she's clingy.

and yes, aid, i slept with him. fuck it.

it's the sweetest revenge,

2008-04-07T16:53:31Z

it's a breath of fresh air.

okay so here's the thing

2008-02-16T02:03:19Z

Valentine's Day? So not that big of a deal in Dublin. . . here however.

anyways.

I had a fantastic, hilarious, jam-packed valentine's day and i just wanted to thank you for it. i don't think i've laughed (or drank) so much in a long time.

i heart you. for real. thank you for being a friend (and a mate. true blue. . . yo.)

csi: ny

2008-02-05T06:27:59Z

Author: Buiochas_le_dia
Title: Percocet, Sheets like New
Pairing: Flack/Messer
Rating: FRM/FRAO
Summary Danny feels like a little kid, like a lost kid at the mall, he also feels like its 9/11 all over again, like he’s at the office talking to Mac and they are in his office
author’s note: new to the fandom.
disclaimer: if i owned them they would have sex more and they would hurt more ((if hurting more is possible for a danny messer)).

“You’re in shock. Danny. You’re in shock.” This is what he is saying, Don, to Danny. He is saying. “You’re in shock.”

“Ok.” Danny says. He says this to shut Don up, Don who can’t stop talking.

Don is putting all his weight on Danny’s stomach and Danny can hardly breathe. “Danny, I need you to keep looking at me, okay?”

“I didn’t get my gun out.”

“You didn’t have time.”

Around them people are screaming at dispatchers. Danny feels like a little kid, like a lost kid at the mall, he also feels like its 9/11 all over again, like he’s at the office talking to Mac and they are in his office - “Screaming.”

“Danny.”

“On 9/11. There was a lot of screaming. And crying.”

“Danny, can you tell me where we are?”

“Can you stop leaning on my stomach so- so hard? Making it hard to breathe.” He offers Don a smile, his smile feels wet. He coughs and his breaths are liquid. He feels like he’s drowning.

“I’m keeping pressure on the wound.”

“I sat with Mac. We watched the news together, me and Mac.”

“Danny the paramedics are 5 minutes out, you just have to hold on 5 minutes.” Don looks ready to cry. Someone is crying, somewhere, Lindsay maybe.

“Hard to breathe.”

“I know.” Don isn’t letting up though. “Danny, where are we?”

“Why am I laying on the sidewalk?”

“You were shot.”

“That’s--” Danny laughs and breathes copper air. “That’s no good.”

Danny shifts in his sleep. In his dream he is floating in the East river with his brother and he is happy. It is just them laying in the bottom of their grandfather’s boat. There is no one out here but them and it’s good. He shifts and his hip bumps Don’s. He murmurs, waking up. “Hogging.”

“Whassit?” Don opens a single eye.

It is morning. Don is not putting pressure on a wound and Danny is not dying. Not yet. This is before all that.

“Blankets.” Danny rolls out from under Don’s arm, lets his feet hit the floor. He suppresses a shudder. “Hoggin’ the blankets.”

“Haveta get up?”

Danny watches the clock click over another minute. “No.” He turns the alarm off. “I’ll wake you.” Later Danny is brushing his teeth and Don wanders in, sits on the edge of the tub and watches with lazy eyes. This thing between them isn’t anything, but also, it’s not nothing.

“Got a call out.”

“Oh?”

“Mm. Double.”

“Guess I’ll meet you there.”

Don shrugs, eyes still glazed. “Yeah.”

“Don?”

“Danny, how about you don’t talk for a minute?”

“Did you know--” Danny feels tired, he’s going to close his eyes, he only wishes the sirens would stop.

“Gunshot wound to the stomach. He’s conscious but not. . . he doesn’t know--” Flack isn’t talking to him anymore. Danny forces his eyes open. The pressure on his stomach changes, the face staring back at him isn’t Flack, it’s some two-bit nothing paramedic. If the world weren’t so heavy, so very heavy. . .

“Danny we’re following in the squad car. You hear me, Messer? We’re right behind you.”

Danny wakes up with cotton balls in his mouth.

“So you almost died.” Don’s voice cuts through the haze of drugs and the aching taste of copper at the back of Danny’s throat.

Lindsay is holding his hand.

He feels like puking.

“You almost died, you stupid fucker. You felt like competing for some best scar award?”

Lindsay’s hand is cold like sheets that haven’t been slept in yet, like clean cotton, crisp and pulled over a bed made by someone not yourself.

“Jesus.” Flack sounds desperate. From this angle Danny can’t see him.

“Hey.” Lindsay is placating no one in particular.

“Tired.” It’s the only word that comes even kind of close to what he’s feeling.

“Yeah.” Flack stands.

“Yeah.” Lindsay echoes.

Danny slips asleep before he can note whether they leave, who leaves first, if either stays.

Danny feels like the walls are eating at his personality, he itches to get up, just to stand without a doctor saying when to sit again.

Don is muttering and packing.

“Hey.” Danny coughs, his throat feels scraped raw.

“Taking you home.”

“Ok.”

“You sick of this place yet?”

“Been a week.”

“A little over.” Don sighs, he is waiting. The nurse brings a wheelchair to the side of Danny’s bed. “They need the bed.”

Danny lays in sheets that are not his own, but they are not hospital sheets. They are better than both these things. They are Don’s sheets. They are certainly better than Lindsay sheets.

“Lindsay.”

“The percocet is making you loopy.”

“I don’t remember pain so much.”

“You were in pain.”

“I was?”

“You were in shock, but there was pain too.”

“I remember you telling me I was in shock.”

Don sits carefully. He is always careful now. He moves slowly too. He is taking caution, taking precautions. Danny feels hysterical.

“I was shot.”

“Yes.”

“You were there?”

“I was interviewing a witness. You and Lindsay were processing. The perp returned to the scene.”

“The scene was secure.”

“A sidewalk in New York.” Don shrugs, Danny can feel it against his arm, their arms are barely brushing. Danny leans into the touch. “It was as secure as we could make it.”

“I remember seeing his gun.” Danny lifts his hand to draw in the air. The shapes he makes do not make sense, they are nonsensical. “I felt the wind get knocked out of me.”

“Yes.” Don is careful not to jostle the arm bracing Danny, with his free hand he is touching the scar on his stomach. His scar is hidden by layers of cotton, Danny’s by gauze.

“I don’t remember. There are things I don’t remember.”

“You should get some sleep.”

“I feel drunk and -- like floating. Tell me what I don’t remember.”

“I thought you were dead. Even when you were talking. I thought, this is it, he’s going to die right here, on this sidewalk.” Don swallows, Danny can hear the muscles in Don’s throat constricting and releasing, swallowing. “You didn’t miss much.”

Don sucks Danny off in the middle of the night, pins his hips to the bed and closes his lips over the head of Danny’s cock, hollows his cheeks and sucks fast and hard. Danny is a thousand different places: his pool table with Lindsay’s tiny mouth, the alley behind Sullivan’s, a bathroom somewhere with a barmaid whose name he never knew. He is here also, but he is all of those places first. His orgasm is a wave laced with pain. He threads his fingers through Don’s tight hair. Don swallows.

“Nightmare?”

Danny feels sick and wants to sit up but the pain in his gut makes it impossible to move. “Am I valuable to Mac, now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Everyone who almost dies, they mean more to Mac.”

“You have always meant something to him.”

Danny nods and wonders, not for the first time, what the fuck he is doing here, exactly. He should be home. “Lindsay’s.”

“Swallow this.” Don is holding out a pill to him. A pill and a glass of water.

“Lin-”

“Shut up.”

“I should.” Danny feels panic rising like bile. Like puke after a night of drinking, after a weekend with the flu.

“I saved your goddamned life.” Don sounds like he is fighting back his own nausea.

“Yeah.” Danny thinks to add And so? but his brain is sluggish and his mouth a step behind his thoughts.

“When you’re strong enough to get out that front door on your own you can walk yourself straight to Montana’s waiting arms-”

“I don’t even--” Danny’s eyes roll, the ceiling is a light blue in the moonlight, it swims invitingly. “like her.”

“You do.”

“Not like that.”

On the third night Danny wakes up in a cold sweat and he is alone. Not alone because this is Don’s apartment but the bed is cold and he is alone. He stands on shaky feet and feels the room sway, topsy-turvy. He was never meant to be a sailor.

“You scared me.” Is what Don says when Danny stumbles into the living room.

“Just now?”

Don laughs and it is an empty sound. “I turned around. I heard this pop and I turned. You were holding your stomach. And you were staring at your hands like you were confused.”

“It’s a confusing business.” Danny sits next to Don. This couch is both foreign and familiar to him. He has slept on it, fucked on it, passed out on it, punched it with unrepentant fury. Guilt. But he had no part in picking it out, and if it gets sold he’ll have no part in that choice either. “Being shot I mean.”

“And then you fell. To your knees first, and then to the side.” Don is holding a whiskey glass and his eyes are not seeing the coffee table in front of them. “Lindsay’s to the side screaming and Stella was already on with dispatch. But you were down.”

“I don’t remember Stella--”

“I rolled you over. I kept saying your name. Took my jacket off, shoved it at your-- Jesus.” Don shakes his head as if to clear it of unwanted images and this is probably exactly what he’s doing. He drains the rest of his glass, the alcohol will, if nothing else, help dull the memory. “Good Christ, for a pint size guy-”

“Hey.” Danny musters up indignation. It takes all his strength. His hands are clammy, damp in this dry apartment. The heat should be turned up, these are cold months.

“You can hold a lot of blood.” Don hides the crack in his voice with a well placed grunt. “I didn’t know you found out with Mac, about Claire.”

“Oh?” Danny feels this nonsequiter is misplaced. It is an aggravating intrusion. He is hearing about his own injury, he is learning about how he almost died. Mac has no place here.

“You were watching the news?”

“We were pulling a triple. Someone called me. Louie maybe, or my mom.” Danny shrugs, this memory is old and faded and no longer sharp. This memory doesn’t hurt, not him, not anymore. “I sat next to him and watched him calculate. He knew. Her office was right there.”

“I’m sorry.”

“She wasn’t my wife.”

Don stands. “Lets get you back to bed.”

It is months later and his wound is not a wound it is a scar.

Lindsay is not his girl is not Montana is his coworker. His friend, sometimes, on a good day.

Don isn’t anything, but he’s not nothing either. And that’s something.

buiochas_le_dia @ 2007-11-15T19:56:00

2007-11-16T03:59:08Z

*A fun survey to put in your LJ*
*~All About You~*
What is your name?:	kenna
When were you born?:	rotunda maternity, dublin, ireland
Where do you live?:	all over
Are you male of female?:	fe-male
How tall are you?:	5'6
What color hair do you have?:	changes, right now dark brown
Is it your real hair color? If not what is?:	ha. mm. really really dark brown
Do you have glasses/contacts?:	i'm getting glasses on SATURDAY
What color are your eyes?:	green
If you are a male...do you have any facial hair?:	and if i'm female, i can't answer this question?
What is your ethnic background?:	um. boring?
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?:	uh, sort of.
If so...what is thier name?:	secrettttttt
If you do not have a partner do you have a crush?:	yes
Are you or have you ever been in love?:	yes
What is your religion?:	cat-ho-lic
Do you have any nicknames?:	a zillion
Do you play any sports?:	soccer, rugby, tennis, touch football (wtf, you americans), etc.
What are your hobbies?:	and the list goes on
*~Either/ Or~*
McDonalds Or Burger King?:	mcd's
Chicken or Beef?:	chicken
Dogs or Cats?:	dogs
White chowder or Red chowder?:	white everytime
West coast or East coast?:	of america? west.
English or Math?:	english
Pants or Shorts?:	nekkid? shorts i guess
Sweatshirts with hoods or sweatshirts without hoods?:	HOODS
Salty or Sweet?:	SALTY
Fluff or Jelly?:	fluffy
Summer or Winter?:	ooh. tough one. i like rain. i don't know.
Hot dogs or Hamburgers?:	hamburlgars
Football or Baseball?:	soccer or american football. i hate baseball.
French Fries or Onion rings?:	onion rings.
Contacts or Glasses?:	glasses.
Coffee or Tea?:	coffee
Soda or Juice?:	juice
Skiing or Swimming?:	swimming
Rings or Bracelets?:	rings
*~When is the last time you...~*
Talked on the phone?:	oh please i'm never not on the phone
Laughed?:	ten seconds ago. chrissy was wrestling with the dog and got owned, it was hilarious
Hugged someone?:	i've been hugging my cat while i type this
Kissed someone?:	last night, in 20 minutes
Told someone you loved them....and meant it?:	ten seconds ago. chrissy chrissy chrissy
Drove?:	i don't drive over heress (if i can help it)
Ate?:	ooh. food. nums.
Danced?:	ha. i dance real good.
Rode a roller coaster?:	oh god not in forever, good idea!
Went out to dinner?:	last night.
Swam in the ocean?:	mid-october. so fucking cold.
Went to a concert?:	in la, with aidan. so not for awhile.
Bought yourself something new?:	ooh. i bought a cocktail dress yesterday for a party this weekend.
Worked?:	ha. hahahaha. i work only when my boss absolutely needs me to. (never)
Played a board game?:	i TOTALLY played balderdash last week and kicked every american ass there
Went to a party?:	my life is a party
Saw your best friend?:	which one? i'm in a staring contest with chrissy right now. (he doesn't think i can type drunk and not looking) ((i can))
Saw a shooting star?:	hmm. in australia. been awhile.
Got nervous/happy butterflies?:	ahh!!!!! right before i kiss him.
*~Do You...~*
Like to cook?:	YES.
Have any piercings?:	yes.
How about tattoos?:	secret.
Do you drink?:	ha. do i breathe?
Smoke?:	i'm not allowed to anymore. but sometimes i sneak one.
Do Drugs?:	not really.
Have cable/satellite televison?:	cable.
Go to school?:	graduated.
Actually like school?:	i liked it while i was there.
Like to read?:	YES
Like to play video games?:	i'm addicted to worms: armageddon
Eat vegetables?:	yesssss
Eat seafood?:	yes
Have the ability to curl your tongue?:	ha. yes. i'm not continuing. . .
Like to shop?:	um. not in malls. i like wandering through downtowns though.
Like to go to clubs?:	bars plz.
Like to dress up?:	hell yes.
Do you or did you go to school dances?:	ha. um. this is a very american phenomenan because y'all can't drink until you're fucking close to retirement
Like your job (if you have one)?:	yes. ha.
*~Which one of your friends...~*
Do you have the most memories with?:	aidan, probably. i've known him the longest.
Do you have the most in common with?:	ooh. hm. that's tough. hanuah has a vagina? ha. riley and i have a lot in common
Is the loudest?:	oh. aidan. callum gets up there sometimes.
Is the most attractive?:	chrissy, by far. though hanuah's gorgeous. even though she's fat with twins. ha.
Is the funniest?:	hm. aidan? sawyer when you give him a chance. and liam, god, liam is fucking hilarious about parenting
Do you trust the most while in the car?:	oh.
Do you trust the least while in the car?:	um.
Do you tell the most secrets to?:	liam.
Has told you the most secrets?:	aidan.
Makes you nervous?:	him.
Has the biggest wardrobe?:	hanuah. fucking rich ass shop-a-holic. (ilu0
Has the nicest car?:	callum because his wife has the hooooooook-up
Is always late?:	oh. ha. hmm. me? adri is clock-allergic
Is always happy?:	who in normal world is ever happy all the time? hanuah appears that way, but we all know she's cuckoo nuts.
Is the most hyper?:	nuk (what'd we call her, tigger?)
Has the worst taste in the opposite sex?:	AHAHA. ilu aidan. no actually. . . chrissy. probably.
Is the smartest?:	liam. the end.
Is the most photogenic?:	CALLUM/chrissy
Has the best job?:	callum
~Ouick thoughts to ponder~:	what.
What came first the chicken or the egg?:	chicken. genesis don't say nothing about and god made eggs which hatched after awhile. no. god made animals and adam named them. god made chicken and adam named him. chicken.
Is the glass half empty or half full?:	full.
Describe your perfect date::	a bar. seriously, if it gets awkward you get drunk. if it goes great you play pool.
Describe your ideal vacation spot::	australia.
What are some qualities you'd like your significant other to have?:	the ability to enjoy privacy. a sense of humor. pretty eyes.
Describe your dream job::	no job.
Describe your dream ride?:	metallicar? um. seriously. i want to fuck a jeep cherokee.
If you could be anywhere in the world right now where would you be?:	exactly where i am. or like that commercial. dublin. england. australia. california. here. dubengauscalhere. ha.
If you could speak to one person dead or alive who would it be?:	quinn.
If you could be anyone or anything in the world what would it be?:	me.
Why did you take this survey?:	because i am drunk. someone isn't off work yet. and it's not quite time for the bars.
Take this survey \| Find more surveys Bzoink - The Original Survey Site

yo. i've got 8 fics in the work, i promise. this was easier to edit.

2007-11-16T01:54:00Z

1. Have you ever brushed your teeth while in the shower?
have you ever been drunk? everything sounds like a good idea when you're drunk.

2. Where do you put your towel after taking a shower?
in the hamper, i hate using a towel more than once. (i know i'm very anti-american that way)

3. How long ago did you hug someone?
CHRISSY'S IN TOWN. i don't think i've stopped hugging him since he landed.

4. Did you believe that girls/boys had cooties?
who didn't believe that? but Quinn convinced me I was immune since I had so many brothers. liar.

5. Do you know how to use chop sticks?
ha. i barely know how to use a fork.

6. Can you finish the phrase, “Who lives in a pineapple under the sea..."?
spongebob sqaurepants!! i have a nephew now (i have to know things like this)

7. Do you sometimes believe that guys have PMS?
have you met aidan legend? when doesn't he have pms. (right jacks, right?)

8. Have you ever given money to a homeless person?
um. probably. i've given beer to a homeless person. i'm a generous drunk.

9. Have you ever run over an animal?
no!! well sawyer drove over a turtle once, but it was already dead.

10. Do you think it is right for straight guys to get their tongues pierced?
no. i don't think it's okay for gay guys to do it either. actually for the most part it's just plain not okay.

11. Where’s your favorite place to be?
besides dublin. . . my friends flat here in canada (do they call them flats here?)

12. Where were you 4 hours ago?
eating lunch with my friends girlfriend. i don't think we like each other very much, but we're trying.

13. Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker?
ALCOHOL. ha. (can you tell i've had more than a couple shots tonight?) i love coffee too. how about coffee with alcohol.. .. amazing

14. Do you talk in your sleep?
gibberish. sometimes i give orders.

15. What does the 10th text message in your inbox say?
"you. me. dog run, before 1st call. he doesn't have to know." ahahahaha. ilu.

16. Do you sing in the shower?
now that i live on my own, yes

17. When your radio doesn’t work, do you hit it?
you don't hit the car. (first thing quinn ever taught me.) so no.

18. Last place you kissed someone?
ubc campus.

19. What's your middle name?
secretttttttttt

20. What is/are your sisters name(s)?
hanuah and amy are sister in laws

21. Last person you text messaged?
j

22. What kind of phone do you have?
black nokia. . . i think

23. What color is your bedroom floor/carpet?
hardwood baby

24. What are you doing tomorrow?
apparently going for a dog run. chrissy and i were going to try and cross the border in to the us, but i don't know if i feel like braving that madness

25. Do you get along with your parents?
i dont talk to them much... but yes.

26. Favorite band?
ugm. smashing pumpkins, for now.

27. Do you play an instrument?
ha.

28. What have you eaten/drank today?
besides crown royal (yes you heard me) i had a huge salad for lunch with a side of awkward

29. What are you looking forward to?
CHRISTMAS IN AUSTRALIA!! adjskl.

30. Do you have any tattoos?
secretttt.

31. Any piercings?
yes.

32. Hometown?
dublin, ireland

33. Birthday?
never

34. Have you ever thought you were going to marry someone you dated?
it's probably better if i just skip this question.